My Story

I started this company because I  was one of those lost individuals. I was sexually abused as a young child and carried the trauma with me all my life. I also had abandonment issues when my parents divorced shortly after I was born. I was kept in the dark most of my life about what was going on and when I started to self destruct I was ashamed to seek help. I was the high-functioning type. I always kept my grades up and was a part of sports teams, student government and theater. But my darkness was very present. I used alcohol, sex, drugs, I had bulimia, and I engaged in cutting and attempted suicides to deal with what I couldn’t talk about. I didn’t feel comfortable confronting my darkness because I was uneducated on what I was going through. So I dove deeper into my self destructive behavior. 

Eventually I sought help and saw some therapists who I eventually stopped seeing because when things were good in my life I figured I didn’t need to go back. But that is when you need therapy the most. For me once life turns good I start to crumble because I feel I do not deserve greatness or happiness. I only know chaos and abuse and that is where I thrived. After discovering my bisexuality and having my first relationships with a woman and then a man, both breaking my heart and leaving me alone, I didn’t know who I was. I struggled with my identity. Carrying my childhood sexual abuse and believing that sex equals love since 5 years old, that was my sexual drive. 

I finally found a therapist that I saw consistently every other week for 6+ years. My whole world began to open and my mental health education started to grow. But I still surrounded myself with more chaos and self destruction. Bad sexual relationships one after the other, then a very aggressive date rape in my early 20’s. I ended up going to sexual trauma therapy and had to write about that night in detail over and over again. That’s when I started to realize that writing my experiences out on paper was extremely therapeutic. The more I wrote the better I felt. I went through a life-changing injury that set my whole world back and on hold for months. During that time I wrote my first poetry about my childhood experience and how that shaped my view on love. I started to perform it at open mics around Los Angeles. It was the most empowering feeling I’ve ever had in my life. That was the beginning of where my work lead me to today. I became involved in a toxic, manipulative, emotionally abusive relationship with my much older boss. It was the breaking straw that I needed to resolve to get myself far away from that life. 

I was called to Ayahuasca one morning. Ayahuasca is a hallucinogenic healing medicine from the Amazonian jungle which is imbibed in the form of a tea. Most drugs tend to get a bad reputation, but from my past experiences with psychedelic/hallucinogenic drugs such as psilocybin mushrooms and LSD, I understood that good and bad are simply in the process. I’d had several eye-opening, life-changing experiences with both of those drugs. And even a cursory look at the research on trauma therapy with drugs such as MDMA, DMT, LSD, psilocybin, etc will show the massive therapeutic promise that these treatments show. So I did research on Ayahuasca and knew this was what I needed to do to confront my mental illness and past traumas. I bought a plane ticket to the Peruvian jungle to do a ten-day Ayahuasca retreat and hike Machu Picchu afterwards (I’m deathly afraid of heights). I went alone, with no cell phone; completely off the grid. It transformed my entire life. I got out of Los Angeles, I reconnected with a person from college who came to me in my dreams (through my visions with Ayahuasca), who a year later became my husband. I learned to love myself for the first time in my entire life. 

Moving out of Los Angeles became difficult for me in another way. I left my therapist. My life changed drastically, for the better but very quickly. Six months in, I felt myself swimming out in the middle of the ocean with nothing to grab onto as I was slowly drowning. The best quality I have is the ability to always seek help and to keep bettering myself.  I do not want to end up alone or dead or like all the other mental health stigmas. I want to fight and overcome and face head-on what I’ve been dealing with my whole life. Ayahuasca gave me that gift and I needed to keep implementing it in the real world. I was newly married to the most amazing man. He is the main reason that keeps me fighting for myself everyday. I want our marriage to succeed and for us to grow into old beautiful people still in love. But I have to work extra hard for that everyday. To help fight the urge to continually push him away and spit venom at him like I did with every past relationship. So I knew at a certain point when I felt myself getting out of control I needed to seek help. For myself and for both of us. 

Little did I know that this process would be physically and mentally depleting. There was no available therapists for me to see and physiatrist appointments were six months out. I spent countless hours and weeks on the phone fighting for someone to see me or help me out. To no avail I checked myself into the emergency room under suicide watch one night. I was at the end of my rope and I was not going to let the lack of support and services end my life. During my hospital stay the nurse diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. She informed me it was vital for me to have a therapist and see them regularly. Also that I needed a psychiatric appointment immediately. I began to tell her that’s what I’ve been trying to do for the last few months and nothing is available to me. She was shocked and in disbelief. My husband sat next to me holding my hand the whole time. The nurse put me on the waiting list and I followed up every single day to see when my appointment would be. With the long wait to see a therapist I ended up reaching out to my therapist in Los Angeles. We were able to continue to do talk therapy over the phone. Which was life saving because they already knew me for the past 5 years and we were able to pick up where we left off. I found a therapist for my husband and I to go to together as couples therapy for us to continue to have the tools and guidance when my emotional state puts our relationship in jeopardy, and for my husband to understand what I’m going through, for his sake. All I needed in this whole matter was support and the ability to get help when I needed it. This experience was excruciating to go through and I know many people in this same situation have given up and have ended their lives because of it. 

Creating “We’re All A Little Mad” is the culmination of my life experiences. I do not want to have another person go through what I have had to go through or to end their lives because they’ve run out of hope to survive. 

I am working on publishing Lotus Rising, my poetry of going through the muddy waters and rising above it all. It deals with subject matters such as: sexual abuse trauma, eating disorders, mental health disorders, sexual identity, suicide, rock bottom, discovering myself, figuring out what love is, purging, letting go, finding love and the continuing struggle to survive. I am also working on publishing my dark comedy Two Act Play, Please Forgive Me, Sincerely The Devil. It deals with subject matters such as: suicide, forgiveness, love and letting go. Synopsis: The Devil enlists a homeless transient to help them put up their one night of PROFESSIONAL THEATER. Which turns out to be more confessional than anything. After consuming copious amounts of alcohol and drugs, The Devil starts confessing their evil deeds. As they recount the events of “the girl that got away," they learn something about their own humanity and view on love. Which leaves them with a decision that could end the torturous cycle they started once and for all. 

Once they are published I will be selling them on here as well with 10% profit every month donated.